Throes. What a great word. In sound and mental imagery. Not so much in meaning. It means “a sharp attack of emotion.” Certainly I am “in the throes.” And the reason I don’t just get to the point of this particular blog entry. To admit my struggles, I have to make myself vulnerable, and that’s a scary place to be. Nonetheless, I’ve experienced enough with God over my 30+ years of knowing him to know that he’s always waiting for me at that point of vulnerability, healing balm in hand. Oh, it doesn’t always feel so good to have it applied at the time. But just as my mother would blow on my cuts and scrapes to help soothe the sting after she would apply medicine, the Holy Spirit breathes life into those broken places in my life and causes beauty to rise from the ashes. I know this to be truth. And so, scary though it might be, I put my heart out there.
It’s not that I have difficulty with authenticity. You see, I’ve experienced the freedom that comes from allowing those secret things out into the open. There’s tremendous healing that takes place when the power of secrecy is unseated, and Satan no longer has anything to hold over your head. I don’t care much what anyone thinks about my past failures because I know what Jesus has told me about them. Not that I’m incredibly proud of each and every choice I’ve ever made in my lifetime, but there remains no guilt or condemnation or regret because of the intimacy I share with Jesus, and because of that, I don’t have much trouble speaking to people about the things that used to trip me up or the mires out of which God rescued me. To say to you, “I was struggling with this thing, but this is how God brought me out of it” is nothing. Or something. Sure, it gives glory to God for what his hand has wrought; but it makes me look pretty good, too. I did have this problem, but now I’m oh-so-good in this area. It means I’m all cleaned up, so while I can assure you there was indeed a mess there, I don’t really have to let you see it.
It’s much different when I’m in the throes of agony brought on by a struggle. Just to dive right in… I don’t want to appear weak. Perhaps that’s pride, and certainly I want pride in any area of my life to be nipped in the bud; but I believe pride is only the fruit of the belief that nurtures it. If I had to voice my belief statement, I suppose it would be something along the lines of, “I believe that if I appear weak, the proverbial ‘they’ will be disgusted with my lack of strength and will, therefore, leave me and seek out those who are less timid, more sure of themselves.” I don’t believe that about God. In fact, I’ve given myself those pep talks that go, “God is all I need. Everyone could abandon me, but God won’t.” True in one sense: God will NEVER abandon me. But it’s a subtle twist on truth that is, in actuality, a lie from the enemy to say that “God is all I need.” It’s true that God is God, and he’s the supplier of everything I have need of and the giver of every good and perfect gift. Yet from the onset of humanity, it was he who created us for community. It was he who saw that Adam was lonely and gave him Eve. It wasn’t that Adam deemed God simply wasn’t enough; it was that God put it in his DNA to live in relationship with others- created in the image of God, who demonstrates relationship and community to us through the three-in-one Godhead.
My enemy knows my need for relationship, and he knows the tender places in my heart to attack. He’ll taunt me with words uttered to me as a child, “You’re not really a leader, but you’re a good little follower.” He’ll remind me of how often I tend to avoid conflict, not so much because I’m a peacemaker, but because I don’t want anyone to be angry with me. I don’t want anyone to disagree with me. The enemy tries to persuade me that disagreement hints to the fact that one is right and one is wrong, and most likely I’m the one whose beliefs or opinions or convictions are out of line. [Caveat: When did the point of relationship begin to revolve around the need to be right? There are some issues on which opinion is merely opinion; there’s not necessarily right or wrong; and even if there is, we would probably realize that, if we were to focus on unity and the things on which we have in common, these are the things that are most important anyhow, and the choice to “agree to disagree” on certain things allows the Holy Spirit to manifest much more in and through us.]
The fact is, I can’t make anyone keep being my friend. The hurt goes far deeper when I recognize the effects it has on my children. And while there’s legitimate emotion and grief that comes from disunity, the enemy is using one happenstance as a platform by which to tout his accusations against me: “You’re flawed at your core. You’re weak. You’re timid. You can’t lead yourself, let alone anyone else. How can you think you can hear God regarding anything? You should give in to this depression that wants to overtake you, and you should give up.”
I don’t pen this today fishing for compliments. The fact is, I know what God says about me, and I know how he sees me. He’s so good about bringing me in line when I misstep while extending grace and mercy and also showing me when I’m allowing my actions, inactions, thought processes and beliefs to be formed by the opinions of others or religious interpretations of “truth” that weren’t what he intended my life to be governed by. I pour out my heart in written form today for myriad reasons:
1. Frankly, it’s therapeutic. Writing has always been a place in which I’ve sought and found solace- a means by which I’ve been able to collect my random thoughts and bring some order to the meanderings of my mind.
2. This is bud-nipping. I want to be a human catalyst; I want to share with you truths and insights that I’ve received as I walk with Jesus that might inspire you to be the person God sees when he looks at you, that you might experience this side of heaven all the fullness of life God intends for you to experience. I have to be watchful, however, of pride that creeps in and would somehow convey that I’ve got it all figured out. Life is about walking in step with Jesus- not about making sure you’re one step ahead of anyone else.
3. This is an offensive move on my part. I’ve been asking God to reveal to me those things that the enemy would rather keep hidden- his strategies for wreaking havoc in my life and for trying to keep my true self from becoming fully awakened and fully engaged. I’m exposing him.
4. As I mentioned before, I want to be a human catalyst. Not only that, but I truly love people. My heart bleeds today for that person reading this who can perhaps identify with my struggles because they’re facing similar ones. Maybe their true identity fears to rise to the surface because they’re not necessarily mainstream; maybe their ideas, opinions, and beliefs seem to go against the flow, even though they’ve taken them before God and they seem to be God-inspired. Or perhaps their situation is different, yet there’s something I’ve written that sparks something in them. Whatever the case, I want God to take every part of my life and transform it into something amazing, and I want him to not only do that for my benefit, but for the benefit of the one he loves so very much that he knows needs the very thing he’s done for me. Hope that made sense. It did in my head. J
I may be a mess right now, but I know this: “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8) God loves me! Not only is he keenly aware of my sorrows, but he’s already known how he plans to turn this around for my good and to help me rise and walk.
Psalm 18:16-24
16-19 But me he caught—reached all the way
from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!
20-24 God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to God's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!
20-24 God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to God's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
